Twenty years ago, I was writing a series of weekly newspaper articles that were mainly concerned with security issues. The one that follows used an experience I had in a Dale Carnegie class to point out that America was getting tired of crooks and cretains just ignoring all the relevant laws and social mores that helped keep our veneer of civilization from craking and falling apart.

Then, yesterday, a “friend” on Face Book posted a story (Joke) about Texas women being independent and willing to do things their own way. That story reminded me of this one about a real cowboy and “Momma” , his wife.

Hope you enjoy it….

Remember, Don’t Booger Momma!

By Jake Jakubuwski

Copyright, 1992, 2012 All rights reserved

            I met Buck and Momma Sumpter (not their real names) at a Dale Carnegie class in 1972.  Buck was a real, honest-to-goodness cowboy, who had literally spent years “in the saddle.”  Momma, Buck’s wife, was bigger than Buck and carried herself like she just wouldn’t “book no foolishness from nobody.”  This, as I later found out, was mostly true.  However, Momma had a marvelous sense of humor and a soft spot for strays and hard luck stories.

At any rate, part of the Dale Carnegie training required each “student” to relate a story about something that had happened during their life that made a lasting impression on them, and what they had learned from the experience.

When Buck’s turn came, he told the following story.

“We was workin’ on a ranch in Wes’Texasan’ Momma an’ me had us a little house down the road from the ranch.  One day, the fellas and I decided to go into town after we was finished work an’ have us a beer or two.”

“Well, we all met up at a place where the music was good an’ the beer was cold an’ ‘fore I knew it, I’d had more beers than I could remember, an’ I could jest make out that the clock said it was midnight.  Man!  I knew Momma was gonna be UNHAPPY!  We didn’t have a phone, an’ I couldn’t call her.  So, I had another beer whilst I thought it out.”

“An’ while thinkin’, I drunk enough of that good, cold beer to get a little confused about where I parked my car.  Truth was, I just plain couldn’t find it.  Not wantin’ to waste more time, I decided I could walk the four miles to the house, in an hour, easy.  An’ I figured it wouldn’t hurt to carry a six-pack along.  After all, it was a warm night”

“Bout the time I got close to the house, I had drunk three of the beers an’ I saw a light still on.  I knew Momma was waitin’ up, an’ I was in for it.  So, real quiet like I snuck up to the house figurin’ that if Momma had dozed off, I could slip in an’ she’d never know, right?  Wouldn’t ya’ know it?  I kin’ a peeked through the screen door an’ Momma was bright-eyed an’ readin’.”

“I knew I couldn’t sneak in, an’ I thought about it a bit an’ figured the only thing to do was have a little fun with Momma an’ try to kid her inta forgettin I told her I’d be back earlier.  So, I snuck real quiet like to the window that Momma was sittin’ by, jumped up real quick an’ let out the godawfulest roar I could.”

“Did that booger Momma!?  Man, let me tell you!  Momma come outa that chair like the devil’d grabbed her ankle!  She turnst t’wards the window with my 12-guage on her hip…an” I knew boogerin” Momma weren’t the best idea I’d ever had!  I threw the last three beers straight up in the air an’ fell back’ards to the ground yellin’, Momma!  (KAYBOOM!).  It’s me!  (KAYBOOM!).  Buck!”

“Momma’s first shot took out the top of the window an’ the three beers I throwed in the air.  Her second took out the screen in the bottom of the window.  I’m lucky t’be here ‘cause that lady knows how to use a shotgun!  An’ if I hadn’t been jest plain, fallin’ down drunk lucky, she’d a got me for sure!”

The instructor asked Buck what he had learned from the experience and Buck said, “I learned that you don’t booger Momma!”

I remembered the foregoing the other day when I saw two bumper stickers on the same car.  One said, “Fight Crime:  Shoot Back!” and the other one said, “When Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”  Then several other things popped into my mind.

More Americans than ever are buying guns for protection.  More Americans than ever are taking self-defense classes.  More Americans than ever are demanding their streets and neighborhoods back.  More Americans than ever want stiffer punishment for criminals

Those facts should send Tommy and Tessie Thug a very clear and forceful message:  “Momma (America) ain’t happy!  So, don’t booger Momma!”

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