THE RED SOLO CUP

Jake Jakubuwski

Copyright, 2012.

The ubiquitous and venerable veteran of cookouts, camping trips, picnics and parties — the large red plastic SOLO cup — has a practical use, aside from being a convenient carrier of liquid refreshment.

The various lines around the cup are not just for decoration. Nor are they an engineering concept that makes the sides of the cup stronger. Can a circle have sides?

Regardless, it seems, according to recent information on the Internet, that  the rings are actually graduations that allow the user to measure various drinks.

The bottom ring is the 1 oz. mark and is the pour limit for whiskey, vodka, scotch, etc. I oz. is a “shot”, right?

The second ring is the 4-5 oz. mark and indicates the pour limit for wine, champagne, and stuff like that.

The third ring is the 8-10 oz. mark and delineates the pour limit for stuff like Smirnoff Ice, Colt 45 and other malt type liquors.

The ring above that is the 12 oz. mark and is the pour limit for beer, Coke, Mountain Dew and other soft drinks.

What’s left over is for the ice to keep your drink cold. It’s also a splash shield for those that have had to much of a good thing at the one-to-eight ounce levels.

When I first saw this on the Internet, I though, “Nah!”. So I did a little quick research and the following links seem to substantiate what I had read earlier. I did not check with SOLO; but when schools like Northeastern University weigh in on the pro side of the argument, I figure that I’ll accept that as authentication that supports the claim.

http://www.northeastern.edu/open/pdfs/PDF/Husky_Headline_Alcoh1.pdf

Even KUNC, an NPR radio station, in Colorado had this to say 

http://www.kunc.org/post/did-you-know-lines-solo-cup-are-measurement-marks

Accepting stuff at face value, even from a normally reliable source, can sometimes put you behind the eight ball, so to speak.

The reason I say that is this: The following is a rebuttal to the idea that SOLO actually made their cups with customers mixology requirements incorporated into the design. Knowing what very little I do know about engineering the position that the self-stated engineer in this Reddit forum takes, makes more sense to me.

http://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/uek11/til_that_the_lines_on_red_solo_drinking_cups_are/

After all, I have grabbed cheap plastic cups that did not have stabilizing rings around them and had the cup collapse in my hand and the contents wind up on the ground, in someone’s lap or all over the front of my shirt.

I have also experienced “vacuum lock” whereby it would take two strong men, a fair-sized chisel and a six pound hammer to separate them. You’d be better off just passing the bottle around. Been there and done that too!

Regardless, the red SOLO cup has become and American icon. From lavish lunches to landfills and tailgate parties, the red SOLO cup can be found in prodigious numbers. There was at least one song written about the red SOLO cup:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKZqGJONH68

From where I sit, it doesn’t make any difference if you believe that the rings on a SOLO cup are measurement rings to help you mix your drinks, or if they really are stabilizers to keep the cup from collapsing inward, or they truly are nesting ledges to keep them from vacuum locking.

What’s important to me is that they can be filled with Mountain Dew – no ice! I drink my Dew like a man … straight up! And I drink it from glasses, bottles, insulated mugs and red SOLO cups with no regard for quantity — jes’ fill ‘er up!

No BIG Drinks in The Big Apple

Copyright, 2012 by: Jake Jakubuwski

New York City. The Big Apple.  Everything is bigger, better and larger then life in New York.

Except BIG, sugar-based soft drinks in a cup!

Man, ya gotta love the Big Apple.

You can buy a gun in Manhattan but as of now you can’t buy a Big Gulp®.

You can buy three or four hotdogs with all the trimmings from a street vendor but they can’t sell you a BIG drink to wash them down with.

Mayor Bloomberg has declared New York to be statistically obese and he is danged well gonna do something about it — starting with banning the sales of those big, fizzy, sugar-loaded drinks that America, through the auspices of Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola Bottling Companies, has come to love — and demand.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not picking on Coke and Pepsi. There are dozens of other purveyors of high caloric content liquid refreshment who are industriously pushing their gut busting brews. Coke and Pepsi are simply the most famous.

Hey! Mr. Mayor!

This is America! This is the land of the free. Where Fast Food and Cholesterol Castles, of one sort or another, are on nearly every street corner.

We have an inalienable right to be obese if we want to be. Why else would BK, Mickey D’s, Wendy’s and Denny’s want to Super-size everything we buy? If they were blatantly contravening The Constitution by selling 2,000 calorie meals and 3,500 calorie soft drinks, I think you might have a case 

Otherwise, sir, I think you’re playing politics with our primary food chains refreshments — and that’s wrong, man!

Think about it: “Large” is the marketing strategy of the soft drink industry. “Large” when applied to cold, fizzy, drinks is one of the first words we learn to respond to in a positive manner by saying, “Yes!”

We are programmed to find “Large” acceptable and comfortable even as it applies to our waistlines. And here you are, sir, flying in the face of tradition and public drinking preferences.

Elmer Wheeler, the famous salesman, dramatically increased lunch counter drink sales at Woolworth’s by teaching servers to simply ask, “Large?” You, on the other hand are trying to reverse a proven, acceptable and profitable marketing trend simply because a large percentage of New Yorkers are now larger then you find acceptable.

When it comes to drinks “Large” is expected. And in the face of that custom you want to eliminate large drinks. Think about the potential ramifications of that action.

Aside from the psychological damage you may be causing GutBuster guzzlers; you could be instigating an economic disaster that we don’t need in light of today’s already woeful financial news.

I mean if you’re successful in banning great tasting, caffeine-loaded, sugar-saturated large size soft drinks what’s next on your agenda? No double or triple burgers? Saltless French fries? Donuts?

Speaking of donuts. I double dare you to ban donuts in the Big Apple. Do that and NYPD would do a Blue Flu the likes of which you have never seen!

Mr. Mayor, I don’t think you’ve thought this one through.

The result of all this anti-obesity mandating could result in New Yorkers slimming down. They would not need yards and yards of material for dresses and jeans. They would suddenly put a crimp in the wallets of bottlers everywhere. Slimmer New Yorkers (And ultimately Americans) would create an economic disaster that would start in the food sector and spread to clothing, shoes (Well, some folks do have fat feet) and even impact Bunny Bread, soda straws and large plastic cup manufacturers.

Wall Street would love that, I can tell you.

You might note that businesses affected by this macabre mandate are already offering unlimited FREE refills on all 12 ounce drinks. An underground cult of offended Big Drink Lovers is already planning demonstrations throughout the city.

I suggest that you rescind this ridiculous ruling and tell everyone it was a belated April Fool’s Day joke! Which many folks actually think it is. 

Make sure you are holding a 44 ounce sugar-caffeine-calorie-caramel loaded drink in one hand while standing in front of my cousin Vinnie’s hotdog cart as you make your announcement.

“Hide the Booze! Here Come Liddy and Link!”

Copyright, 2012 by Jake Jakubuwski

Dogs, bats and dolphins hear sounds that are inaudible to the human ear. Those sounds are referred to as ultrasonic sounds. They can also hear those sounds at great distances.

Breaking the seal on a bottle of booze generates a normal, sonic sound, that most folks with normal hearing can hear only a few feet away.

Let me tell you about my mother’s cousin (I’ll call her Liddy) and her husband (Let’s call him Link). They had super sensitive hearing.

Liddy and Link could hear the seal on a bottle of booze being broken over great distances —  like across town or, even, in he next county!  And when they heard that sound, they came running.

I kid you not! I have seen actual, real-life proof that substantiates this!

On many Friday, or Saturday night when I was still at home, and when we knew for a fact that Liddy and Link were in the next county getting ‘commodities’ — they could hear the sound of a tax stamp tearing on a fresh bottle of Seagrams in our kitchen!

Commodities, by the way, were basic food stuffs that were distributed by the Department of Agriculture to low income families, the elderly and others needing assistance.

Anyway, it seemed that no matter how far away Liddy and Link were or what they were doing, the sound of tearing tax stamps was like a siren song to them.  When you broke the seal — they were at the front door.

Not only did they have exceptional hearing; they had also discovered teleportation long before Capitan Kirk ever commanded: “Beam me up, Scotty!”

To their credit, when they showed up at our front door, they always had a pint, a fifth or a six pack in a brown paper bag. They never came empty-handed. They never left that way either. They always took their booze home with them — unopened and unshared.

As I recall, Liddy and Link never overstayed their welcome. They came when the supply of beer, wine and whiskey was fresh and plentiful and they left just as the last dollops were poured into glasses or down gullets!

You see, when they came in, they always made sure we saw the sack with their particular libation of choice and then one, or the other, would tuck the sack safely under their chair and partake of our generosity and hospitality.

They always promised to add “this to the pot” when things got slow as they held up their sack before putting it under the chair they were sitting on.

You also have to keep in mind that this was well before the dependence on television made social zombies out of so many of us. It was a time when friends and family would gather ‘round a kitchen table to sing, play instruments, tell jokes, eat snacks — and drink.

If it was just family, we raided the refrigerator and someone did a “beer run”. If friends came over or family from out-of-town visited, they usually brought something to share with the rest of us.

Of course, Liddy and Link always brought something to share — they just never shared it!

By the time we got around to singing “Bill Hogan’s Goat” for the fourth or fifth time, no one cared who had what to drink and most of us were ready to go to bed, go home or see if there was any fresh air left to breath in the world beyond the kitchen door!

That’s when Liddy and Link would make their exodus and depart with their booze, beer or Mogan David intact and unsampled.

In spite of Liddy and Link’s reputation, we never turned them away. I guess because they were family and their actions gave everybody something to laugh about during the week. And, no one suffered any lack of something to drink because there always seemed to be plenty.

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve sat through a Saturday night like that. It’s also been a long time since I’ve had anything stronger to drink then Mountain Dew.

But every now and again, like tonight, when I’m sitting in my office, it seems I can still hear Aunt Mamie’s mandolin and someone saying: “Here come Liddy and Link! Hide the booze!” And everyone would roar with mirth.

A MESSAGE FOR ROBOTIC CALLERS AND IDIOTIC ANSWERING MACHINES:

By: Jake Jakubuwski

Copyright, 2012. All rights reserved

Personally, I DETEST auto answering devices and robotic voices telling me how important my call is — and then telling me that all “service representatives are currently busy with other customers and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received.” Great shades of Ernestine!

 My thoughts on the matter: I also know these ideas could be considered self-centered and maybe even arrogant. No doubt, if you’re inclined to be kind, you’ll simply consider my thinking archaic.

I am THE customer. I am the person that keeps you in business. Therefore, I think you owe me more consideration then a robotic voice, a verbal holding pattern and some idiotic “live” talk show excerpt while I am waiting to CONDUCT business with you! I certainly don’t want a “Push for” menu regarding how I want to spend my time waiting, when what I want to do is spend my money with you and not waste my time because of you.

 I am either trying to spend money with your company, or I am trying to resolve an issue that I have had with a purchase of goods or services from your company. For some reason, robotic voices telling me that someone will be with me as quickly as possible does not give me a warm and fuzzy feeling. It does not increase my confidence/convenience quotient regarding my experience with your firm.

Even more irksome is when “The Voice” asks me for information. Stuff like; “If you are calling in reference to ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­__________ please give me your zip code, telephone number, the last four digits of your Social Security Number, you mother’s maiden name, your father’s middle initial, the serial and model number of the item you are inquiring about, the store number and date where it was purchased, or will be purchased and; the size of the speakers in the last boom box you saw!”

Then when a “representative” does connect with me the first thing they say is: “Hi! My name is __________, please give me your zip code, telephone number, etc.” And, all of that takes place before I can even begin to place an order or register a complaint. 

Then, God forbid! I get transferred to “Stacy” and Stacy asks me the same questions all over. This, in my opinion, is not marketing. It is a devilish program designed to make me take my business elsewhere, or cause me so much frustration trying to solve a warranty issue that I’ll throw the $%(*@## item away and buy a new one in a brick-and-mortar-store! I often wonder if the companies that resort to these tactics actually do have a desire to drive customers away… 

I understand voice mail. I use it myself when I have to be out of contact with customers, potential customers or contemporaries. My message is short and sweet: I’m not here. I will be back. Leave a number and I’ll call you when I return. No music, no radio, no sound effects and no “dead air.”

 nd, when I am “in the office”, I answer the phone! Essentially, I say something like: “Hello” or “Hi! This is Jake!” Recently, I had a caller say: “Wow! You actually answer your own phone?”

I may be in the minority but, when I answer the phone and that robotic voice says: “Please, hold. I have a very important call for you…” Or, “Let’s take a cruise!” (With a fog horn in the background) — I hang up! I also hang up when I answer the phone and a chirpy, smiley voice says: “Hi! I’m Audrey…How’s the weather this morning inOxford?”

So; How can your on-hold message provide an opportunity for you to market to me? It can’t.

Consequently, I suggest that you make it brief and forget asking me for information that I’m going to have to repeat to a “real” person anyway. Oh! Yeah! Did I mention this? Require a real person to answer the danged call after thirty seconds — max! Then you don’t have to worry about a sales message during the on-hold time…

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ANOTHER (!) Open Letter to:

Dr. Janet Kavandi,

Director of Flight Crew Operations

Johnson Space Center, Houston, Texas

Dear Doctor Kavandi:

To say I am saddened in view of NASA’s seemingly total disregard of my letter of October 4, last year, regarding the new astronaut class that you were planning to begin is an understatement. The depth of my disappointment is so deep, it can only be considered catastrophic!

I was so eager and energized at the prospect of receiving an application for that class after reading the  article where you stated that  this was “…an exciting time to join the astronaut corps.”

I readily admitted, in my earlier letter, that since my back surgery I knew I was not a prime physical specimen and I told you that I have to sleep in a recliner. I really thought that since whatever you folks call the seats that the astronauts set in, they look enough like recliners that I would have probably fit right in. No pun intended.

Commendably you, or the folks that evaluate an applicants and their qualifications, have rigid criteria regarding education, reflexes and the applicant’s ability to hold their bladder in check for long periods of time.  If you felt that I fell short of your educational requirements — that’s one thing. If, on the other hand, if you rejected me on the basis of what you may consider my physical shortcomings or disabilities; then you, and NASA, may be in violation of the American’s With Disabilities Act of 1993!  

Actually, I can’t truthfully say why you disqualified me, or declined to consider me, since I never received an application or any other encouragement from NASA.

That brings me to another point. I mentioned John Glenn and his last trip into space at the age of 77 in my first letter and pointed out that I was (at the time) a full five years younger then John Glenn when he made his second historic flight.

In my effort to rationalize why you did not send me an application, or if you rejected me out of hand, because of my age, I need to put you on notice that I am a member, in good standing, of AARP! I’m sure that NASA would not want to become known as an agency that discriminates against the elderly and denies seniors the same opportunities they gave to younger folks.

I’m not making threats, Dr. Kavandi. I’m jes’ sayin’ that tickin’ off older folks is not a good idea.

In my earlier letter, I briefly outlined my flight experience. True, I have never piloted a jet, but I flew 150’s, 172’s and even a 182 on occasion. And, get this:  my actual flight experience goes back to 1957 when I flew in my first airplane — a Piper J3!  That’s fifty-five years of flying in, and piloting, a variety of aircraft!

Admittedly, I haven’t “flown” now for twenty-five years, or more, but the way I see it, it’s like riding a bike or swimming. Once you learn how, you never forget. Well, maybe I should carry an iPad with me just to take notes, do you think?

The experiences I have had as a passenger in the Piper taught me a lot about emergency procedures in the air. Duane Moffit, the pilot, ran out of gas (the J3 did not have a gas gauge on the instrument panel … it was a long thin wire that passed through the filler cap and floated in the tank on a cork).

We got lost. We landed in a farmer’s field and asked directions. We landed in a strip mine inPennsylvania and asked the watchman how to get to Altoona. Let me tell you — landing in a strip mine in a J3 is nowhere near as exciting as taking off from a strip mine in a J3!

And once, I sat in the copilot’s seat in a 747! True the plane was on the ground and the engines weren’t running but I knew that I was seeing the future!

Believe me, if there is an emergency in the air — in NASA’s case — in a shuttle, I know which buttons to push … leaving the one labeled “PANIC” to the very last. Of course, if I found myself in a life threatening situation, it would not take me long to work my way through the other buttons.

Dr. Kavandi, I won’t bore you with the rest of my qualifications as listed in my original letter to you. You can review them again, if you wish, at: http://www.purejake.com/category/humor/ with the date tag of October, 4.

Please do not construe anything that I have said here as being indicative of a desire on my part to pursue any litigation of your decision regarding my application to the class of 2013. My deep-seated disappointment and personal angst at what I feel was a brush off by NASA to a disabled (ADA) and elderly (AARP) American who only wishes a chance to serve his country is just that: disenchantment.

With best wishes to you, NASA and your next astronaut class, I remain…

 Sincerely,

Jake Jakubuwski

Oxford,North Carolina

 PS: Should you decide to reconsider my desire for an application and I was selected to be a member of the new class of astronauts, would whatever NASA pays me impact my current Social Security benefits?

 (Coyright, 2012, Jake Jakubuwski. All rights reserved.)

About twenty years ago, I wrote the following article for The Hednerson Daily Dispatch.

Recently on one Face Book, a group of locksmith friends began discussing “clients” that had old, locked, safes that they needed open and were sure there was treasure maps, forgotten money or valuable manuscripts inside and wanted the locksmith to open that safe for a share of the treasure that was hidden inside.

Like many of my locksmith friends, I have been approached by folks that have bought safes at auctions, or found a safe in Grandpa’s basement and suddenly dreams of lost fortunes dance through their heads…

Alth9ugh there really have been treasures found in old safes, the chances of stumbling across one is, in my opinion, about the same as winning  big money in the state lottery…

So, I thought my readers and locksmith friends might enjoy the following:

Buying An Old Safe May Lock Up Unforeseen Costs

By Jake Jakubuwski

 Copyright, 1992 – 2012

            I imagine that on the average, I get at least one call a month from folks that are either buying or have bought “a really old safe.”  They want to know what I will charge them to get the safe open or find the combination.  When I quote our minimum price for opening a locked safe, the next statement is generally, “Gee, I only paid “x” number of dollars for it, and the fellow who sold It to me said any locksmith could open it for a few bucks.”

            The seller was good.  He sold the buyer a big box that no one has a key to.  A basically useless, big, heavy, securely locked old steel box because:  it is unopenable (without ruining it) by an unskilled person.

            The buyer, either because he really needs a safe, or thinks that after it is “restored,” that old steel box will be a valuable antique, purchases it.  Then, after much strain, aggravation, two out of six friends with a strained back, one pickup truck with a busted spring, and a chunk of concrete knocked out of his driveway, he finally get the safe into his basement or garage.  Then he calls a locksmith and finds out, that depending on what is required to open it, the price for opening it can run into serious bucks.

            Why does it cost so much to open a locked safe?  After all, we have all watched TV and seen how easily the good guys, and bad alike, can open them.  They put their ear against the door, turn the dial, listen to “the tumblers fall” (actually, there are no “tumblers” in a safes’ combination lock), turn the handle, and it is open.  Two, three minutes…tops.  I hate to disillusion everyone, but it just doesn’t work that way!

         The reason it costs so much to open a locked safe, without ruining it, is that it takes a great deal of knowledge, training, effort, proper equipment, skill, concentration and a smidgin of luck to open one…period!

            Consider this:  the average safe has three wheels, with 100 numbers on each wheel.  Theoretically, that lock has 1 million possible combinations (that’s 100 to the third power!).  Realistically, because various characteristics of a combination lock “forbid” using certain combinations, the actual number is considerably less…only 700,000 or so.  It is from these 700,000 possibilities that our safe buyer wants me to find the combination to his safe!  By no means impossible…just difficult and time consuming, provided…

            The combination lock on this old safe is functioning properly, and that the bolt work has not frozen up from disuse, and the relockers (security devices to thwart burglars, found on many safes) have not been activated by all the moving, thumping, and dropping onto concrete driveways!  If everything is within “normal” parameters, and I’m having a pretty good day, I can probably open the safe within an hour or two, without drilling, banging, burning or chiseling.

            If all is not well within the confines of that big, heavy, securely locked, old steel box, I’ll have to resort to “methods of penetration” , i.e., drilling, etc.  Then comes the repairs (always needed after drilling), and possibly a new lock, dial and dial ring.  All of which add to the cost of the opening.

             If you’re planning on buying an old safe, whether you need it to store documents in, or keep valuables in, or you just want to “restore” it for its antique value, make sure you buy one that has a known combination, or is open.  Otherwise, that big, heavy, securely locked, old steel box, might be better used as a boat anchor…provided you have a big enough boat and your friends are willing to help you move that monster again!

 *************

SPECIAL NOTE TO ALL OF MY LOCKSMITH FRIENDS

As of February 20, 20012 PURE JAKE BOOKS & VIDEOS are available through the ALOA (Associated Locksmiths of America) Book store. If you are a member, visit www.aloa.org for some great buys on eBooks, videos and PowerPoint presentations

ALSO: ClearStar Security Network (CSN) www.clearstar.com has become a PURE JAKE BOOKS & VIDEO affiliate and is offering my books and stuff (In instantly downloadable files) for sale to CSN members.

Many thanks to ALOA and CSN for their participation and support.  By the way: both organizations are members only, secured sites.